Usually when I write it is to spin some silly story about photography or life in general. Some times my horse takes over because important stuff has happened in her life that she needs to share.
Every once in a while I have things that weigh heavily on my heart and putting them out there for others to see helps me deal with them. This is one of those times…
I was browsing through Facebook the other day and a memory from two years ago popped up. It was of my Nana and my youngest son. She was smiling and I could see that impish sparkle in her eyes. She often had that look on her face as if she were up to no good… and she usually was. I am proud to know that is where I get my wit from.
My sister and I had the great fortune to grow up under her roof. She protected us as if we were her own children, but spoiled us in a way that only a Nana could… a way no mother would. We had the best of both worlds.
I am 51 and I have known her for a lifetime. If live to be as old as she did, it will be a lifetime without her, and the pain of missing her wrenches my heart to it’s core. The first 50 years of my life seemed to have flown by, the next 50… they will be an eternity.
I look back now at years gone by and I can say that I have only one regret. It was those five years I chose to be absent from my family. I thought I knew better than they did. When I finally grew up enough to know they were right I went home. Nana welcomed me back as though I had never been away. She opened her heart to my baby boy, claiming him too as her own. She never once said “I told you so”. She allowed me to stumble, helped me get back up, enabled me to grow up to be the woman I was meant to be… she was there when I needed her. I am glad I remained close to her, that my boys knew her, that she saw I had finally gotten my life figured out.
As I reflect back on my childhood, I remember a young teen who had come to the realization that one day her Nana would not be there. She tried to make Nana promise that she would never leave her… she would never die. She couldn’t imagine a world without her Nana in it. It was a promise that was unable to be made. That girl was heartbroken then and she is heart broken now.
I will forever see her in the every day things, especially in the daffodils, no matter where they bloom.
With fond memories come painful tears and an ache that cannot be soothed.